splatter some of your thoughts

today was a very usual and typical day for me. same routines over and over. but today, something happened that is like unusual for me. i can't elaborate much on that, but i am sure that his absence is everywhere i look. it's like i am killing myself softly with his memories i keep on reminiscing. every word i say ,song i sing and hear and thing i see, reminds me of HIM. i miss his presence. his undying devotion,care,passion and love does nothing but pain whenever his not here. I feel like thousands of needles are on my veins, corrupting my soul, a huge hole is in my heart, still pumping and surviving as i go on with everyday.

I heard his favorite song earlier, and nothing else i can say or do, but to cry. i am tongue tied and my mind is a big blank. i became so numb, i don't feel anything no more. I am alive, but life less without him. a life without him, makes a flower without its scent, a song without a tune, a rainbow without colors, a body without a soul. I find no reason to live nor stay, is it still worth the pain? do i really need to accept everything and just say "let it be"?life is full of choices, and whatever choice you make, you should accept the consequence. But the mistakes we commit, makes the ride worthwhile, it makes the pains and sufferings meaningful. A big answer to a question that was never asked. above the rest, life is nothing without love. They're like partners in crime, if you have a life, then you love, if you love, then you have a life.

As everyday passes by, i always come to a point of thinking about of the what ifs. the sins i committed,the choices i made,the path i chose. is it still good for me? is this really what i wanted? those are the realizations i come up with, but until now, i haven't answered those questions i gave myself. maybe i am afraid of reality, that things doesn't always go the way you planned them. the fact that i am not really the author of my own book, or maybe i am? it's just too bad i am writing in pen, i can't erase my mistakes, cause if i do try to erase them, the bigger mess it creates on my paper.

I really have no idea why i did this blog, it's a combination of what i feel today i guess. awkward and weird, but it feels good to release those thoughts once in a while. :)